Some skaters are just naturals. I can honestly say I am not. I have been out there pushing myself and the way I skate every chance I get. I have always found that last shred of determination to pick myself up one more time and try something again when I fall down. (I would not be lying if I said there have even been times when my body was on the verge of collapsing from the physical stress of trying something over and over again. But, I don't give up. I never give up.) Whenever I met up with friends and sessioned a park, I would always stay later after everyone else had left and just keep skating. It was just in my nature to be persistent and to put all my heart into the things I did 110%.
Whether I can say I really accomplished anything by performing some not-too-usual tricks at local parks that often resulted in a few people turning their heads, I can say that I worked hard at doing my own thing; which is something that can never be taken from me, something that I am proud of. If not, I can at least say I skated with some awesome people and made some memories that I will carry for the rest of my life.
The fact of the matter is I sacrificed a lot of time and dedicated a large portion of my life to skateboarding but I can't spend all my life waiting for some lucky break that might never come. I don't want to end up just talking about my "glory days" when I'm older and what could have been of my future. I am ready to move on and start a life of my own. I am ready to contribute myself to society in some sort of way. At some point in your life, you realize that you don't want to be a shithead forever. If I learned anything from college, it's that. It's not very ambitious to want to go back to living in your parents house for the rest of your life. I want to make it on my own.
I have not quit skateboarding by any means. It always has been and always will be an escape from the things in life that are weighing me down; a moment when I am on my own time, free to be as expressive as I feel like. I am not however looking to pursue my passion as a profession any longer. I guess you can say I have hung my dreams up on a shelf to pursue a job that has future capabilities to potentially become a career. Is it what I had always hoped for? No; but I am willing to work hard at it because like I said, if I do something, I want to make sure I do it good and not just give up at it; and as long as I always have my skateboard waiting there, I know that after all the hours I slave for some soul-sucking company, it only makes that time of my own that my young heart cherishes that much more rewarding.
However, when that freedom is stripped from you, it is a defeating feeling. This is what happened a couple months ago when a physical limitation suddenly barred me from my own mental escape. I've never had an injury before that I couldn't fight through out of my own willpower until that point and I don't like to be dependent on other people but I felt helpless and was having one sleepless night after another. No one is going to recognize that though when everyone is too busy just living their own lives. This is a video about that; the process of picking your self back up on your feet after you've been slowed down. I know what I went through doesn't even compare to the ways a lot of other people have had to overcome self-defeat but when I was up at night asking myself "If someone wrote a book on my life, would anyone care to read it", I realized that I would not know the answer to that without trying to convey my story. So without further ado, here is my new video Insomniac Jams: